Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
