The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
