I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Dignity is for republicans.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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