Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I think my fart just growled at me.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
