I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize