woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
