We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just forgot I was standing up.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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