why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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