I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
