i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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