I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
