dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
