sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
