....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
