This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
