Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
