my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
