In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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