I'm going to rape someone's good day.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
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