I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
