I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
well I can't set my house on fire every night
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
