Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize