Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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