I will die if light touches me.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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