she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
