my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
