Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
