just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
