The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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