Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
