I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
