he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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