a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
