You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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