honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
