So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
even my farts smell like vagina
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
