i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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