i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
That accounts for only three of the penises
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
