I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
