really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
