i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
