Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
