Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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