Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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