no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
