She's like a pop up book from hell.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
