My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
