i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I think my moral compass just broke
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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