I can text with my tongue
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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