what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
