we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
