I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
