Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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