i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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