I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
