Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
