is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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