Ikea night.
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before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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