We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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