so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
