I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize